In.My.Father's.Eyes

I don't really talk about my family problems that much on my blog but what happened tonight really deserves a blog entry to remind myself in future.

My dad feels that I'm not doing enough for the family. He has never been proud of me. Despite paying for most of the bills in the house, taking them out for movies and shopping, caring for them, buying things for them, listening to them when they quarreled, being there for every dinner, I have not done enough for the family. He has never been proud of whatever I do since young and today he just added another thing which he sees (and hopes) that I would fail - He said I would die or suffer if I lived on my own.

It all started when news of my sister (who seems to be not in good terms with my family) requested that my mom go down to Singapore to care for her because she is going for a surgery. This incident had spark unease in my dad and also allow me to see the true colours of my dad.

Yesterday, when my mom was discussing this, my dad was complaining as to how my sister couldn't take care of herself. He said my sister could rely on her maid and the excuse of not being able to make it on her own was "bullshit". He then tells mom that if next time when I live on my own and I need any help from them, they should not help me. He said this is to teach us lessons in life.

My mom has always told me that dad behaves weirdly when he sees good parent-child relationships. Mom usually gets scolding when she visits my popo (grandmother) or speak with her on the phone. Dad has always been proud of himself that he left home to join the airforce (and that he had forsaken his parents). His mom, my ahma (grandmother) died in an old-folks home.

So when I told him that while he picked on my flaws, he should also take note of my contributions. He only see my contribution as "Giving him some money every month". That's all he could see.

From what I know, I have not been enjoying what most of other kids of my time had. Their parents gave them good education, send them overseas. When they started work, their parents give them cars, handphones and credit cards. I on the other hand have to give my parents handphones. I have always tried not to give them any worries and stand on my own feet but it is not enough it seems.

When I asked my father whether he did as much as me to his mom, or did my sister did as much, he told me the most eye-opening statement of all time! He pointed at me seriously and said,

"Do you know why I don't have to do like you?"

he then continued, "Because I don't live with my mother."

he then adds, "Your sister also don't have to do it because she doesn't live here."

So should I sum-up that, if I move out next time, I don't have to give a damn about him just like how he don't give a damn about his mother?

Anyway, he used the statement "Tai Sei Lei" which roughly translates to looking down on me or hoping that I will suffer or can't make it when I live on my own. That's why I need to make this entry to remind myself how much my dad looks down on me.